I found a site that shares experiences of pregnancy/infant loss. I wrote an entry for Atticus, but the rest of the site it meaningful to read.
http://facesofloss.com/2012/04/5088.html#more-5088
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
A Poem For Atti
My heart breaks
Again and again
Every time I see pictures of you
Because I don’t just
Want to see you
I want to touch your face
And hold you close.
I want to see life in your eyes
And a smile on your lips
To hear you laugh
To hear your cries
The weight of you in my arms
Is missing, just like your place
In my heart.
I feel like I’m forgetting
The smell of your hair
The sound of your voice
How it felt to hold you.
All I can remember
Is when I had to say goodbye to you
My precious baby boy.
Also, I found a page where I wrote about Atti. It's a group for women that have experienced pregnancy/infant loss. Each story is heartbreaking in its own way.
http://facesofloss.com/2012/04/5088.html
Again and again
Every time I see pictures of you
Because I don’t just
Want to see you
I want to touch your face
And hold you close.
I want to see life in your eyes
And a smile on your lips
To hear you laugh
To hear your cries
The weight of you in my arms
Is missing, just like your place
In my heart.
I feel like I’m forgetting
The smell of your hair
The sound of your voice
How it felt to hold you.
All I can remember
Is when I had to say goodbye to you
My precious baby boy.
Also, I found a page where I wrote about Atti. It's a group for women that have experienced pregnancy/infant loss. Each story is heartbreaking in its own way.
http://facesofloss.com/2012/04/5088.html
Saturday, January 14, 2012
People
Most people that I know have stopped talking to me and my family ever since my son died. Friends have become distant and the topic of him has become taboo. New people that we meet shy away.
I wanted to thank two mothers who didn't shy away.
I was at the mall with my daughter, letting her play in the play area. Two mothers were talking and one was holding an infant. I asked how old the infant was (5 months), and that mother, Karen, asked me which of the children were mine, and then asked a question I'd been dreading "Do you have any others?"
My response was automatic as tears came to my eyes. "We had another."
So much could be taken from that simple word 'had'. When They hear that, most people would get uncomfortable and move away.
Karen looked right at me and said, "Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry."
I was crying, but I was so happy that she didn't ignore me. She and the other mother (Sandra), asked me what had happened, how old he was, what his name was. I showed them the picture I'd taken a week before he died. They told me how handsome he was. It felt so wonderful to share him with others that didn't even know me, but I knew that it would feel better to share memories with those that had some of him as well. I asked some friends and family to send me their memories of Atticus. Two people responded. Only two.
Sandra walked me to my car when we left, giving me a hug, and she told me that she understood the loneliness that comes after loss. She had lost her husband three years ago, and had lost many friends because people just don't know what to say.
So, thank you, Karen and Sandra, and I wish for the best for your families.
And as for those that actually responded, thank you, for finding the words to share. I know that others are thinking about Atticus, but you were brave enough to share them, and that means so very much.
I wanted to thank two mothers who didn't shy away.
I was at the mall with my daughter, letting her play in the play area. Two mothers were talking and one was holding an infant. I asked how old the infant was (5 months), and that mother, Karen, asked me which of the children were mine, and then asked a question I'd been dreading "Do you have any others?"
My response was automatic as tears came to my eyes. "We had another."
So much could be taken from that simple word 'had'. When They hear that, most people would get uncomfortable and move away.
Karen looked right at me and said, "Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry."
I was crying, but I was so happy that she didn't ignore me. She and the other mother (Sandra), asked me what had happened, how old he was, what his name was. I showed them the picture I'd taken a week before he died. They told me how handsome he was. It felt so wonderful to share him with others that didn't even know me, but I knew that it would feel better to share memories with those that had some of him as well. I asked some friends and family to send me their memories of Atticus. Two people responded. Only two.
Sandra walked me to my car when we left, giving me a hug, and she told me that she understood the loneliness that comes after loss. She had lost her husband three years ago, and had lost many friends because people just don't know what to say.
So, thank you, Karen and Sandra, and I wish for the best for your families.
And as for those that actually responded, thank you, for finding the words to share. I know that others are thinking about Atticus, but you were brave enough to share them, and that means so very much.
Denial
I know why it is so hard to accept that he is gone; I denied that it was him when he was put in my arms.
He was too heavy, he didn't look like my sweet baby boy. I couldn't get the images of this poor, dying baby in my arms, and the ones from him only two days earlier, smiling and laughing. Even wearing one of our favorite outfits of his, it couldn't be him. I couldn't be saying goodbye to him. I think that's why I didn't cry when I said goodbye; I didn't know this child they had placed in my arms.
The next denial was his cause of death: SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Basically, a clinical term for "we don't know why the fuck this happened". They could find no reason for this. Could you imagine being able to use this in almost any other profession?
It couldn't be SIDS, because that means that there was no reason for him to have died. That's how I felt, and how I still feel. If he'd been sick, that was a reason. If he'd had a birth defect that we hadn't know about, that was a reason. If he'd gotten injured, that was a reason. But SIDS, there is no reason.
And yet it happens so often.
In the United States, 2,500 infants will die of SIDS a year. In the United States.
Baby boys are more likely to die of SIDS, and the average age of death is between 2 and 4 months of age. Add into this that SIDS deaths peak in late fall.
My son saw the doctor two days before we found him not breathing, and he'd been perfectly healthy. Two days.
They've done research, trying to see if there is a connection between shots and SIDS. I find it funny and sickening that none mention the flu vaccine.
What happens in late fall that would be different than any other time? Well, infants over the age of six months are recommended to get the flu vaccine. Atticus had never reacted to any other shots, but after the round he had that Friday, he did. The only difference? The flu vaccine.
Most that read this are probably thinking I'm going to freak out and say to not get the shots for your child.
I'm not going to do that. I'm just saying what I've observed.
Am I blaming the flu vaccine for my son's death?
No. I'm just saying it should be looked into. I do not believe it is the vaccine itself that causes the problems, but it has long been noticed that anyone with an egg allergy shouldn't get the flu shot, because that is where it is grown. As far as we knew, Atticus had no allergies, but he was so young, we hadn't even really started him on anything yet, so we had and never will have, any way of noticing.
Shots are important to keep children healthy, and as much as I hate seeing children getting the shots, I know that the diseases would probably take them from their mother's arms, just like SIDS took my little man from mine.
He was too heavy, he didn't look like my sweet baby boy. I couldn't get the images of this poor, dying baby in my arms, and the ones from him only two days earlier, smiling and laughing. Even wearing one of our favorite outfits of his, it couldn't be him. I couldn't be saying goodbye to him. I think that's why I didn't cry when I said goodbye; I didn't know this child they had placed in my arms.
The next denial was his cause of death: SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Basically, a clinical term for "we don't know why the fuck this happened". They could find no reason for this. Could you imagine being able to use this in almost any other profession?
It couldn't be SIDS, because that means that there was no reason for him to have died. That's how I felt, and how I still feel. If he'd been sick, that was a reason. If he'd had a birth defect that we hadn't know about, that was a reason. If he'd gotten injured, that was a reason. But SIDS, there is no reason.
And yet it happens so often.
In the United States, 2,500 infants will die of SIDS a year. In the United States.
Baby boys are more likely to die of SIDS, and the average age of death is between 2 and 4 months of age. Add into this that SIDS deaths peak in late fall.
My son saw the doctor two days before we found him not breathing, and he'd been perfectly healthy. Two days.
They've done research, trying to see if there is a connection between shots and SIDS. I find it funny and sickening that none mention the flu vaccine.
What happens in late fall that would be different than any other time? Well, infants over the age of six months are recommended to get the flu vaccine. Atticus had never reacted to any other shots, but after the round he had that Friday, he did. The only difference? The flu vaccine.
Most that read this are probably thinking I'm going to freak out and say to not get the shots for your child.
I'm not going to do that. I'm just saying what I've observed.
Am I blaming the flu vaccine for my son's death?
No. I'm just saying it should be looked into. I do not believe it is the vaccine itself that causes the problems, but it has long been noticed that anyone with an egg allergy shouldn't get the flu shot, because that is where it is grown. As far as we knew, Atticus had no allergies, but he was so young, we hadn't even really started him on anything yet, so we had and never will have, any way of noticing.
Shots are important to keep children healthy, and as much as I hate seeing children getting the shots, I know that the diseases would probably take them from their mother's arms, just like SIDS took my little man from mine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)