Denial

I know why it is so hard to accept that he is gone; I denied that it was him when he was put in my arms.

He was too heavy, he didn't look like my sweet baby boy.  I couldn't get the images of this poor, dying baby in my arms, and the ones from him only two days earlier, smiling and laughing.  Even wearing one of our favorite outfits of his, it couldn't be him.  I couldn't be saying goodbye to him.  I think that's why I didn't cry when I said goodbye; I didn't know this child they had placed in my arms.

The next denial was his cause of death: SIDS.  Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  Basically, a clinical term for "we don't know why the fuck this happened".  They could find no reason for this.  Could you imagine being able to use this in almost any other profession?

It couldn't be SIDS, because that means that there was no reason for him to have died.  That's how I felt, and how I still feel.  If he'd been sick, that was a reason.  If he'd had a birth defect that we hadn't know about, that was a reason.  If he'd gotten injured, that was a reason.  But SIDS, there is no reason.

And yet it happens so often.

In the United States, 2,500 infants will die of SIDS a year.  In the United States. 

Baby boys are more likely to die of SIDS, and the average age of death is between 2 and 4 months of age.  Add into this that SIDS deaths peak in late fall.

My son saw the doctor two days before we found him not breathing, and he'd been perfectly healthy.  Two days.

They've done research, trying to see if there is a connection between shots and SIDS.  I find it funny and sickening that none mention the flu vaccine.

What happens in late fall that would be different than any other time?  Well, infants over the age of six months are recommended to get the flu vaccine.  Atticus had never reacted to any other shots, but after the round he had that Friday, he did.  The only difference?  The flu vaccine.

Most that read this are probably thinking I'm going to freak out and say to not get the shots for your child.

I'm not going to do that. I'm just saying what I've observed.

Am I blaming the flu vaccine for my son's death?

No.  I'm just saying it should be looked into.  I do not believe it is the vaccine itself that causes the problems, but it has long been noticed that anyone with an egg allergy shouldn't get the flu shot, because that is where it is grown.  As far as we knew, Atticus had no allergies, but he was so young, we hadn't even really started him on anything yet, so we had and never will have, any way of noticing.

Shots are important to keep children healthy, and as much as I hate seeing children getting the shots, I know that the diseases would probably take them from their mother's arms, just like SIDS took my little man from mine.